some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
