i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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