so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
