wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
