dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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