just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
