It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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