Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
