wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
