blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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