my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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