i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
