I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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