Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
