I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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