youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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