I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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