if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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