hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
