I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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