Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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