i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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