I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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