I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Randomize
