First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
