I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
