I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They took my balls.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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