Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
