there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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