So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
