I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
