also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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