why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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