i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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