mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
