I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
