Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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