I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
