Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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