I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
