My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
