I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
