So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
