Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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