...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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