let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You're a waste of cheezeits
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
