We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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