When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
