Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
