i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
