Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
