I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
